I have on so many occasions that I have lost count.
It's not because I don't have a clue about time management. I am a virtual master of scheduling and
efficiency. I can plan the hell out of pretty much everything. I have read the theory of time management, I have read about how other artists manage their time and what they spend their working days doing so the problem lies somewhere else.
It lies in execution.
It lies in the fact that I am big fucking scaredy cat!
Too many times I sit down to do some networking or to approach new potential customers or I'll try to look for an agent that can represent me and I have no idea of how I'm supposed to do it. I'm always terrified of offending people, writing the wrong things in my e-mails, sounding unprofessional or any number of silly things like that. I sometimes also find myself stumped when it comes to actually finding new potential clients and markets where my art would fit in. I'm not a 3D modeler, I don't do programming or graphic design. Even though I work mostly digitally I'm pretty much and old fashioned illustrator. I like to do book covers, character designs, spot illustrations, concept art, band merchandise like stickers and t-shirt designs and so on, but I can't do animation and my style is not really a modern editorial style, it just doesn't fit in with what the market seems to be going for these days and it's really frustrating.
I didn't fit in at school, or among most people in general before. I've gotten a lot better at it now though on a personal level, but I'm still struggling in most other aspects of my life. Most of my problems I find to be based in fear. I'm terrified of failure, just the idea of not being able to achieve my goals is sometimes enough to stop me from even starting a project, or I'll start working but I won't let anyone know about it because I'm scared that people will ridicule my efforts. However because I'm stubborn I force myself to do things I'm scared of all of the time. It's exhausting, and I fret so much over my own failures and inadequacies that I have trouble sleeping at night.
The most frustrating part of it all is that I don't have an answer to my problem. At least not a definitive solution. The only thing I can do is suck it up and keep going no matter how scared I am at times. Nothing is going to happen if I just sit around moping. I read once that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the ability to fight despite of it. So I guess that makes me courageous, and maybe thats all one needs when faced with adversity or ones own fears and inadequacies. A little bit of bravery, mental strength, and I'm sure that a little bit of naivety goes a long way too.
Any thoughts people?
Until next time
Anita K. Olsen
website:
www.anitaolsen.daportfolio.com
contact:
anitaolsen.illustration@gmail.com
First, let me thank you for putting yourself out there. I applaud you for being willing to lift up the rug to reveal the "mess" many of us would rather keep hidden. You are not alone. Yes, this does make you courageous. While I cannot pinpoint any one reason for the fear you speak of, it exists in all artists. In the end we want to be recognized, appreciated at some level (despite our desire to also be unique) and connected. There are many contradictions and tensions that arise out of that and my guess you sense those more strongly. I love what Brene Brown says about vulnerability. If you have not heard of her, I think she is not only brilliant and courageous, but she's helped me gain some perspective about myself. maybe you will too if you haven't already: http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html. I think you've already begun to answer your problem. That is to admit that you have a great fear. Let me ask you this since you are obviously talented, creative and productive. Is it possible you're bigger fear is of success? After all, success raises expectations and a higher standard. I only ask this because I've walked that path before. There is room for success in our own respective worlds ALWAYS!. Just don't let someone else define what that is for you. Once you define it, on your terms and begin to pursue it on your terms then the "fear factor" will become minimal. Keep up the great work, both with what you do and having the courage to admit who you are. It reminds us all we are connected. Cheers!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your great comment bkida, it means a lot to me that my little blog can actually reach people and evoke a response. You just made my day a little brighter ^^
DeleteI've always been very emotional and I wear my heart on my sleeve so I guess what you say about me sensing the tensions very strongly is true. I haven't heard of Brene Brown before but I will definitely check out her thoughts on vulnerability. It seems like something I would enjoy looking into. When it comes to the question of whether I am afraid of success or not the answer is yes and no. I would love nothing more than to be successful and by that I mean to be able to just live of my art and quit my day job. I don't want to be a superstar. I just want to be able to make a living doing what I love, but as you say a lot of success raises the bar of expectation. I've always been the smart, good, dutiful girl, and I think that brand has made it hard for me to accept defeats and failures. I am not afraid of letting my family and friends down as much as I am afraid of letting myself down if that makes any sense. Thank you for posing the question though as it has made me reflect a bit more on the subject.
Cheers to you too ^^
Don't give up!
ReplyDeleteIt is always facinating to see how somehow someway most things we worry about works out in the end. All it needs is some time..
Btw. Nice art!
An old friend
Thank you very much :)
ReplyDeleteI won't give up, but I do enjoy sharing my experiences with people, letting them see through the veneer that we usually present to the world.