Have you ever felt that way?
I have on so many occasions that I have lost count.
It's not because I don't have a clue about time management. I am a virtual master of scheduling and
efficiency. I can plan the hell out of pretty much everything. I have read the theory of time management, I have read about how other artists manage their time and what they spend their working days doing so the problem lies somewhere else.
It lies in execution.
It lies in the fact that I am big fucking scaredy cat!
Too many times I sit down to do some networking or to approach new potential customers or I'll try to look for an agent that can represent me and I have no idea of how I'm supposed to do it. I'm always terrified of offending people, writing the wrong things in my e-mails, sounding unprofessional or any number of silly things like that. I sometimes also find myself stumped when it comes to actually finding new potential clients and markets where my art would fit in. I'm not a 3D modeler, I don't do programming or graphic design. Even though I work mostly digitally I'm pretty much and old fashioned illustrator. I like to do book covers, character designs, spot illustrations, concept art, band merchandise like stickers and t-shirt designs and so on, but I can't do animation and my style is not really a modern editorial style, it just doesn't fit in with what the market seems to be going for these days and it's really frustrating.
I didn't fit in at school, or among most people in general before. I've gotten a lot better at it now though on a personal level, but I'm still struggling in most other aspects of my life. Most of my problems I find to be based in fear. I'm terrified of failure, just the idea of not being able to achieve my goals is sometimes enough to stop me from even starting a project, or I'll start working but I won't let anyone know about it because I'm scared that people will ridicule my efforts. However because I'm stubborn I force myself to do things I'm scared of all of the time. It's exhausting, and I fret so much over my own failures and inadequacies that I have trouble sleeping at night.
The most frustrating part of it all is that I don't have an answer to my problem. At least not a definitive solution. The only thing I can do is suck it up and keep going no matter how scared I am at times. Nothing is going to happen if I just sit around moping. I read once that courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the ability to fight despite of it. So I guess that makes me courageous, and maybe thats all one needs when faced with adversity or ones own fears and inadequacies. A little bit of bravery, mental strength, and I'm sure that a little bit of naivety goes a long way too.
Any thoughts people?
Until next time
Anita K. Olsen